2007-01-18 - 10:25 p.m.
I know -- at least I THINK I've said this before -- but the entry page on this site is mind cluttering to me. It's not that it's flashy or that there's anything screaming for my attention really, it's mostly internal. It's mostly that I'd rather read what's under "Your stats" for the 100th time instead of actually taking an honest look at what I think and feel lately. If it's not positive or at least making the best of an admittedly bad situation then it's a waste of energy, like expressing it is the problem. Isn't feeling it the problem? Isn't the way to stop feeling like a selfish 12 year old who wants the supermodel and knows he'll never have her to confront the feelings again and again until they not only SEEM pointless but also FEEL pointless?
And that's the problem I suppose, I have to admit in an irrevocable fashion that not only am I fucking up, I KNOW I'm fucking up and I can't stop it on a dime. Actually that's not true, a dime would stop it just fine, I'd just be feeling giggly and overall too content with the world.
And speaking of pot, here's a newsflash for anyone who might be inclined to sell me/give me/connect me to someone who'll sell me some: it's pot. It's not heroin or sex. I am not going to jump through a bunch of hoops or put up with a whole lot more than I'd ordinarily put up with to get it. I will pay for it, I will be grateful. I will not kiss your ass. I probably won't put up with your stupidity, and I absolutely will not listen to you lecture. But if you want to try, at LEAST wait until I'm stoned so you'll have half a chance. You might be done before I realize I'm starting to get pissed off, and if not then at least you've already gotten your money, or whatever.
Point being, your existence as The Dude With The Pot (Connection) doesn't impress me, though it may somewhat endear you to me. You've got to have something else though, like you and I having some sort of pleasant history, or good conversation skills, or almost any combination of incredible tits/ass/eyes/smile/personality. And if I start to piss you off or act like an asshole in your judgment, try "you're saying this to the girl who was going to suck your dick later" or "to the girl who was going to buy you a drink" or "to the guy who helped you solve the problems we were talking about" (probably also followed by "I'm not trying to be an ass, but [reiterate gently here]"). Don't come at me with "You're saying this to the person who's supposed to try to hook you up with weed tonight." Because if you do, you can go fuck yourself. Stuff your weed, apologize to your contacts because you can't help yourself from being a prick. If you want to get away with the pusher mentality, deal to kids or start pushing hard shit, but don't come to me. I just spent 8 months not smoking pot to prove a point to no one, and you think pride takes a back seat to sensei? My pride won't even take a back seat to common sense.
Having said that, I sure wouldn't mind if one or two of you offered to connect me to some pot. And no mexican weed, seeds are for hippies.
