2006-04-12 - 2:24 a.m.
I'm up four hours after falling asleep, thinking about a woman I shouldn't be thinking about. She's not married, but she's taken, and living with his mother, and possibly him as well though I think rather than actually living together they merely stay together when each is inclined. When someone is feeling lonely, or perhaps just obligated.
Everything I've ever believed tells me I should leave this girl alone. She's with another guy and doesn't seem to be happy with him, she's working full time AND going to school full time and has said on a few occasions that this is so she doesn't have to deal with him. But instead of leaving him she's flirting with me, as a distraction or as genuine interest I'm not sure. I'm not sure if she's sure. When she's upset she grows distant and hides her secrets, and you may never know she's mad at you, though others will, it seems.
But she's smart, very smart, and ambitious as hell working as an underpaid nurse's aid while going to school to be an RN. She works hard generally without complaint, she knows the people she's helping and she cares about them. She is a compassionate smartass, and I'll be damned if I'm not sold.
Just straight up sold.
So I think I have to do something that is completely out of character for me, in order to maintain any sort of larger sense of self. And though I'm scared as hell of getting kicked in the teeth again, and while I don't relish looking myself in the eye when I've got that puppydog hurt in them after the disappointment I expect to come, I'm not sure I'd be able to look myself in the eye at all if I don't open myself up to the blow.
