2005-03-08 - 11:55 p.m.
Hey, I got this story I want to tell you.
So the other day, the social services director for the nursing home at which I work held an inservice on theft. You've all read the stories. Greedy assed insensitive and hateful nursing home employees see a resident's wallet, cell phone, priceless silver picture frame and we take out cash and credit cards, we make long distance calls that last longer than our shift, we trash the picture inside and melt down the frame to less priceless untracable silver hunks. She starts the inservice thusly:
"Does everyone have three pieces of paper?" Asks the Social Services Director. (Incidentally, also my oldest sister. The redhead.)
Agreement abounds.
"I want you to write your three most valuable posessions down on these sheets of paper."
I don't own much, this is cake for me. Computer, Guitars, BMW.
"Does it have to be materialistic?" Asks a CNA.
Not understanding the question, SSD answers, "Your three most valued posessions." It's always clearer when you say it the second time.
So everybody's writing, I'm borrowing a pen because I didn't come prepared for a fucking quiz, and shit is moving along. Then, the expected happens:
"[CNA #1], I want you to pick someone in the room, and take one of their posessions."
So, she take's one of the Medical Records Director's three most prize posessions, hands it to the SSD.
"[Penis] you just lost Sassy." Laughter. Sassy is the facility dog, which does not belong to Dick. Things move along, and someone decides to steal from me.
"It's not my porn, is it?"
Laughter.
"James, you just lost your BMW."
Medical Records Director, "Not that he had one to begin with."
No one, throughout the rest of this exersize, bothered to steal from me. It may very well be that it's because I'm the boss's son, and since most of them don't know me that well they don't even want to pretend to screw me over in any way. But I prefer to think that they didn't want to steal my porn. Or, perhaps, find out what the third item was, and assumed one of the last two WAS porn.
So, my turn.
Not wanting to actually get up and pick one manually I say, "[Cock], gimme one of yours."
"Here, you can have this one."
He passes it down, SSD laughs, says "[Phallus], you just lost me."
"And to your brother, no less."
The meeting continues, people steal more things, the idea that stealing is wrong was expressed in an amusing way, though I personally feel that's one of those things either you understand, or you don't. Either you're a thief, or you're not. Procedures for item theft/loss are covered, police reports, item/posession logs, the ritual ass kicking and pink slip handing in the parking lot waiting for those who are caught.
At the end of the inservice, we ask [Schlong] what his third item was.
"Arcie," he says, who is the Activities Director, 40+, and hot as hell by any standards.
It became clear that his three most prized posessions were his three bitches.
(this story is scotch certified authentic. if this seal is not present on other stories, buy/consume glenfiddich and recompose.)
